Hide and Seek Gone Bad

I was only 5 years old, but just one game of hide-and-seek tainted my experience for the rest of my life.  It was a beautiful fall afternoon, one that invited hours of childhood fun.  My friend Matt and I decided we were going to play a game of hide-and-seek.  I would hide; he would seek.  There was nowhere off-limits.  I tip-toed away and tried to not squeal as Matt counted to 20 as quickly as he could and yelled his best, “Ready or not, here I come!”  I had cleverly hid on our outer back porch, where I could go unseen but could watch to see where Matt was seeking.  (I probably also had a plan to cheat and move to another location after I saw him check there.  Of course, I would never to that today…)  Anyway, as I saw him round the corner of my house, I held my breath in great anticipation.  I so deeply wanted to not be seen; conflicted as I desperately wanted to be found.  I expected Matt to check among the trees and behind our shed before he came to look on our porch.  Instead, I was met with great disappointment.  I saw Matt walk straight through our backyard, directly toward his own house and he went inside.  He didn’t return.  I sat on the porch for what seemed like hours without a clue of what to do.  It is my earliest memory of the feeling of rejection. 

 

I’ve been pondering this memory for a few days now.  I thought I’d share it because it actually makes me think of my experience with Community Life, which I expect will also impact me for the rest of my life.  I came to Gainesville, Georgia 4.5 months ago, expecting a riviting game of hide-and-seek of the heart.  There would be times that I would try to seek out the heart of another and help them journey into the heart of God.  There would be times that out of fear or control or confusion that I would hide my heart from those around me, not wanting to be seen but desperately wanting to be found.  I expected that it would be an adventure.

 

Some days, this experience called Community Life is great.  Some days, I am met with great disappointment. 

 

I imagine we all do this, but I’ve experienced some days of my heart in hiding, hoping that someone would come to seek me out, to find where I’m hiding and invite me out into a great adventure.  Instead, I see my friends walk directly past the place I’m hiding and they journey into their own hearts where I no longer can see them.  And here is what I’m learning through this: that it is okay.  We are all human and it takes alot of work to seek after the heart of another.  Some days, we get it here.  And some days we leave room for improvement.  This leaves me with one other very important conclusion: the people in community cannot be God for me.

 

The beautiful thing about the Lord is that He is relentless in seeking after my heart.  I hide from Him.  Multiple times each day, I catch myself hiding in the backporch of my heart (sounds an awful lot like a girl named Eve).  But as I hide, I still desperately want to be found, to be known.  And God reminds me that He already knows my heart.  And He has found me, over and over again.  Here is the beautiful twist…as God draws my heart out of hiding, I am available to seek after the hearts of my brothers and sisters and invite them to no longer hide their struggles or their pain or shame.  So I’m learning that when community starts with God, community can succeed!  This is a game of hide-and-seek that I want to be endlessly engaged in.  As God finds me, I accept the invitation to seek others.